Boundaries… What are those?

Boundaries… What are those?

Understanding Boundaries

Boundaries play a pivotal role in maintaining our overall well-being and fostering healthy relationships. Drawing insights from Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and boundary expert, let’s delve into what boundaries are, how they manifest in our lives, strategies for implementing them, and why they can be challenging.

Boundaries are limits we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, boundaries can manifest in various forms:

Physical Boundaries: Our personal space and touch. They dictate how close we allow others to come physically. Question to consider are: What kind of rules do I want to maintain with my personal space, my body, my overall privacy? How much distance do I want between myself and another person?

Examples:

• “I don’t appreciate comments like that.”
• “I am not a hugger, but I am happy to shake your hand!”
• “I get uncomfortable when people are too close to me, I would like a bit more personal space please.”

Emotional Boundaries: Our feelings and emotional energy. Emotional boundaries involve recognizing and communicating our emotions without allowing others to dictate or invalidate them. Questions to consider are: How much emotional energy am I capable of taking in? Do I feel comfortable sharing my emotions with this person? Are my feelings being respected?

Examples:

• “I appreciate your concern, but I do not want to discuss that right now.”
• “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, can we reschedule for a different day?”

Mental Boundaries: Taking care of our personal thoughts, beliefs, values, and opinions. They involve autonomy over our intellectual space and not allowing others to manipulate, coerce, bully, or control our thinking. Questions to consider are: am I comfortable with this interaction? Do I feel heard, valued, supported?

Examples:

• “I respect your opinion even if I don’t agree with it, I would like you to respect mine.”
• “From now on, I’d prefer not to engage in debates or discussions where my views are consistently dismissed or challenged.”

Implementing Boundaries:

• Self-Awareness: Know your limits. Understand your own needs, values, and limits before communicating them to others.
• Clear Communication: Be assertive and to the point. Express your boundaries directly, Use “I” statements to convey your needs and feelings.
• Consistency: Be a broken record. Maintain consistency in upholding your boundaries, even when faced with resistance or pushback.
• Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Recognize that setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness. If you are a people-pleaser, take note of this as we can get caught in prioritizing others needs before our own.

The Challenge of Boundaries:

• Guilt and Obligation: Societal expectations can make it difficult to assert one’s needs since many of us are taught from a young age to prioritize other’s needs or be accommodating. The fear of losing approval or acceptance from others can trigger feelings of guilt for asserting our own needs.
• Fear of Conflict: Many of us seek to avoid conflict in our relationships. Setting boundaries, particularly if it involves saying no or asserting our needs can create tension.
• Past Experiences: Past experiences of having boundary violations may lead to a struggle to trust our instincts or prioritize our own boundaries. Past experiences can create fear of repeating negative outcomes or being viewed as ‘bad’/perceived negatively by others.

In conclusion,there is not ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to boundaries. Each one of us has different needs and through understanding what boundaries are, and employing strategies to implement them, we empower ourselves to live authentically and cultivate more meaningful connections in the world. Remember that boundaries are not about building walls or shutting others out; they’re about fostering connection, respect, and mutual understanding.  As Nedra Glover Tawwab emphasizes, boundaries are not barriers; they are bridges to greater self-awareness, respect, and harmony in our lives. If you find yourself wanting or needing to explore boundaries in your life, please feel free to give us a call at The Behavioral Wellness Group (440.392.2222).

References:

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2017). Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Updated and expanded [edition]. Grand Rapids, Michigan, Zondervan.

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.

Genna Weinberg, LPCC
Therapist and In-Person DBT IOP Director
The Behavioral Wellness Group
8224 Mentor Ave #208     Mentor OH  44060
P:  440 392 2222 #802    F:  440 565 2349
gweinberg@behavioralwellnessgroup.com
www.behavioralwellnessgroup.com